Month: October 2010

  • Something wicked this way comes

    I'll getchoo my pretty!

     

    Who does your hair?

    Witches have had a pretty bad rap.  Throughout history they’ve been portrayed as ugly old hags bent on evil doing or using magic for profit.  The Stygian Witches personify this stereotype.  Three hideous crones sharing one eye and one tooth between them and practicing cannibalism (although how they managed to eat flesh with one tooth is beyond me).  The Weird Sisters in MacBeth represent darkness, chaos, and conflict.  They manipulate MacBeth into committing murder and destroying lives.

    Good times. 

    Then witches went through a seductress phase.  The Sirens in Greek Mythology were “technically” prophets…a term used to distinguish young, pretty witches from old, ugly witches.  Their mission in life was to make passing sailors jump into the sea to their deaths.  Morgan le Fay in the Arthurian legend is bent on the downfall of her half-brother King Arthur.  In later versions of the story she seduces him and bears him a son named Mordred whom she uses as a pawn in her evil schemes.  In the 1996 movie The Craft, a group of young teenage hotties train as witches.  It’s all fun and games wrecking havoc at their Catholic School until Fairuza Balk goes off the deep end and ends up in the psych ward.

    You know you like it

    Good times.

    More recently witches have undergone a major public relations campaign.  Hermione in Harry Potter, Amelia Broadway in True Blood, any number of characters in any given LJ Smith book.  Good witches performing good acts and cute to boot.  It follows in the footsteps of vampires morphing from bat-like monsters to creepy old dudes with bad hair to sexy young teenage thangs.

    Jail bait no longer!

    We’re so fickle when it comes to our mythological creatures.

    Somehow wizards have never suffered the same disdain.  Merlin, Gandalf, Dumbledore…all flawed but generally seen as good guys.  And somehow they always seem to have a long grey beard.  Talk about stereotypes.

    Here’s my theory.  The above wizards are a result of the Days of the Druids.  They represent a time long past when magic played a very real part in people’s every day lives.  When Christianity came along and communing with nature was no longer kosher, these wizards were created and idealized as a homage to a previous culture that is still held dear to many people.  If you want proof of this, go to Ireland, where strict Catholics still believe in faeries.

    Burn me and I will cut you bitch!

    Witches, on the other hand, have always represented the evil ways of women.  (Somehow female druids got side stepped on this one).  The story of Eve and how she screwed everything up for Adam is pretty old example of this.  Women are stronger then men in every way except physically.  Men didn’t appreciate this.  Strong women must be manipulative and evil, right?  Eve. Evil.  Coincidence?  I think not.  Hey!  Let’s suppress them!  For centuries, any woman who was not subservient was suspected of and often accused of being a witch.  They were burned and drowned and hung.  Oftentimes only the manner in which they died could prove that they weren’t a witch after all.  But they still died.

    Good times.

    Then you get the Wiccans.  In the strictest sense of the word Wiccans are not witches.  Wicca is a neopagan religion that, while a relatively modern concept in and of itself, has been around since the dawn of man in some form or another.  You can be both or you can be either/or.  Wiccans have a deep appreciation for Mother Nature and all she represents.  Not to be confused with hippies (have I mentioned how much I hate hippies?)  One perk of practicing Wicca for the ladies is that the Goddess is worshipped just as much as the God.  In trying to convert the Pagans, Christianity elevated the Virgin Mary to a sort of pseudo-Goddess-like status.  You know, kind of like how they decided to celebrate Christ’s birthday in December instead of sometime in September.

    Good times.

    In short, my friends, witches represent magic and I think we can all agree that magic makes for a very good time.

    What were they smoking and where can I get some?
  • Halloween Conundrum

    With Halloween fast approaching and me not able to decide just what super nerdy character I should dress up as this year I thought to myself, “Hey! You have a blog! Let’s crowd source this sucker and get some help!” (And yes, in my head I’m yelling at myself….!!!!!)

    Here are a few of the outfits I’ve been toying around with for this year. I’ve only got a week so I’m in serious need of feedback. I also don’t have a ton of cash, so I used my super amazing Photoshop skills to give you a rough idea of what I’d look like in each of the costumes.

    Here are my top four choices right now, but if you have a suggestion just leave a comment on the blog of the FB page.

    #1: Princess Lea

    I know what you’re thinking; why not the gold bikini? Everyone does the gold bikini guys. Plus, how will I ever beat these two chicks when it comes to the gold bikini?

    #2: Star Trek

    No other Star Trek series has been able to match The Original Series in the sexy uniform department.  Hence why I’m debating this tight little number from the new/old Star Trek.

    #3: Boba Fett

    Seriously. It’s Boba Fett. Who doesn’t want to be Boba Fett?

    #4: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

    Not sure if it’s the sai or the brasier, but I like this one. Ok, why lie, I love the boots!

    I might have a few more tomorrow. If you have any suggestions I’m open to them!

  • RED: Really Excited Dork

    First image that popped up on a Google search. This is the right poster… right?

    Actually, it stands for Retired, Extremely Dangerous and if this movie proves anything, it’s that they don’t make them like they used to.  I say this for two reasons.  There is the obvious one: the movie revolves around older and much more experienced agents battling it out against younger, less experienced agents.  And the less obvious one: they don’t make actors and action stars like they used to.

    My friend Wayne and I stayed out late on a school night to see RED (he’s a teacher so I’m not kidding when I say that).  Partly because it’s based on a DC graphic novel of the same name, and partly because we hadn’t hung out since High School and it was an excellent reason to get together.  Plus, if he had backed out he probably knows that I wouldn’t have taken “no” for an answer 😉  So thanks for seeing it with me Wayne!

    On to movie reviewing…

    The Good Guys: (I type this with a smirk on my face since all anyone in the movie does is kill people)

    Bruce Willis is in fine form in his patented role as a professional badass playing cat and mouse with the people who done him wrong.  I’m pretty sure it’s a character type that was invented for him.

    Morgan Freeman has cancer again (ie The Bucket List) and is excited to get in one last hurrah.  I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to NOT like Morgan Freeman.  He’s freakin’ awesome.  This might just be my favorite role that John Malkovich has ever played.  If he hadn’t been surrounded by a bevy of equally talented performers he probably would have stolen the show…inside of a pink pig stuffed animal.

    I love Brian Cox.  He was in X-Men.  That is reason enough.  In this movie he plays a ruskie convincingly.  I prefer him with his beard and he does not disappoint here.  The casting directors displayed a flash of brilliance when they brought in Mary-Louise Parker to play Bruce’s love interest.  I am absolutely convinced that no one else could have played this role.  She holds her own against the masters and displays some of the best comedic timing in the movie.  See kids?  Weed is a good thing.  Just kidding.  Don’t tell your parents I said that.

    Even I think this is hot.

    The piece de resistance (and a HUGE reason why I went to see this movie) is Helen Mirren.  I think people forget that she’s played many a badass lady and focus on the fact that she’s older and British and must therefore be prim and proper.  Bullshit.  Granted, she arranges flowers and makes tea and crumpets, but the site of seeing her fire a semi-automatic while wearing a white ball gown will forever endear her to me.

    The Bad Guys

    Karl Urban has done an excellent job of ingraining himself in the nerd lexicon.  From Lord of the Rings to Pathfinder to Star Trek, he seems to choose his projects based on how many conventions he can rely on as an older, washed up actor.  Smart man.  He’s the only “bad guy” you really care about.  He starts off a cold and calculated drone of the system but his wits kick in and it becomes clear that he really just wants to do what’s right (side note: in my humble opinion, KU would have made an excellent Thor. Chris Hemsworth…aka Kirk’s ill-fated daddy…better step up).

    Rebecca Pidgeon (who?) plays KU’s boss.  She’s about as expressive as a brick wall but can work a power suit better than most.  She twists KU’s balls in a bunch while pretending she’s a fellow, if slightly-higher-up drone.

    And for the ladies…

    Here it is, my 2nd movie review ever on HNG, and I’m writing about Richard Dreyfuss again.  God bless the second wind, it has served him well.  Richard Dreyfuss is the baddest of the bad and he REALLY wants you to know it.  In fact, he helpfully reminds you of it in every one of his scenes.  I can see why someone would get annoyed by that.  Personally, I thought it was pretty funny.  The rest of the baddies are nameless and forgettable with the exception of an explosive redhead.  Faceless as they may be, they play their parts with gusto.

    I was expecting the action and I was not disappointed (you’ve probably already seen my favorite shot in the trailers, the part where Bruce exits his stolen cop car mid-spin while firing his pistol).

    [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayFfMfN5AvE&fs=1&hl=en_US]

    However; what pleasantly surprised me was the humor and the gratuitous violence.  We’ve already established that I am a big fan of both.  The only time I wasn’t laughing was during the dramatic climax…a part I’m assuming was not intended to be laughed at.  There were a few intended chuckles but I kind of missed the humor I’d become accustomed to during that part.  In their defense, I’m not sure that it could have been incorporated properly without making it cheese-tastic ala Zoolander.  I was also delighted at the body count and the manner in which they were dispatched.  Who knew a bullet fired at an RPG would do that??  The RPG itself was a bit superfluous, but you won’t see me complaining about it.

    All in all, well worth the $13 ticket price.  Heck, I would even see it again in the theatre.

    Riotous.  Electrifying.  Delightful.

    4 out of 5 SCI-FIVES!

  • My Top 10 Campy Horror Films

    In honor of Halloween, or Samhain, or however you choose to refer to it, here is my list of the most awesomely cheese-stastic and hi-larious horror flicks of all time.

    10. Anything based on a Stephen King novel

    "That's right. I'm seducing you…. with my EYES!"

    From Carrie to The Mist I counted 82 (!!!) film adaptations of Mr. King’s work.  That’s no small shit.  Some of them are the best horror films of all time like Misery and The Shining.  Some are cheese-tastic wonderlands like It and Pet Cemetery.  They’re all pretty freaking scary.  Mr. King gets on the list, if for nothing else, than for the sheer volume of work based on his novels.

    9. Tales of the Crypt: Bordello of Blood

    A vampire brothel being run out of a funeral home.  Corey Feldman finally getting his turn at vampire glory.  Dennis Miller running a private detective business out of a porn theatre.  Angie Everhart as the mother of all vampires.  What more do you need?  Besides some sunblock that is.

    8. The Rocky Horror Picture Show

    Some people will argue with me about whether or not this counts as a horror film.  It’s my list and I say it counts.  So there.  Besides, it’s got “horror” in the title.  I don’t feel that I need to explain any further.  It’s got music and dancing and sci-fi and Tim Curry in drag.  In 2005 it was selected for preservation in the United States National Film Registry by non other than our own Library of freakin’ Congress and was declared “culturally and historically significant.”  How many musical horror comedy rock operas can say that, hmmm?

    7. Child’s Play

    Coincidence? I think not.

    When I was a kid we had a doll that came from some family member long gone and had been passed down through the generations.  This doll was kept in a pillowcase in the far reaches of my closet because I was the girl and Lord forbid my brother have a doll in the back of his closet that no one will ever see.  I got curious one day and pulled down said doll in pillowcase.  I remember seeing the back of the head first.  That in itself was pretty creepy.  I turned the doll around and her eyeballs had fallen out of their sockets and were rolling around in the back of her head.  They suddenly stopped rolling and were staring straight at me.  Needless to say, I have never and will never look upon the face of that doll again.  Dolls are creepy.  Period

    6. Gremlins

    What child of the 80’s didn’t want a mogwai as a pet when they were a kid??  This movie contained enough unforeseen violence that it helped convince the Motion Picture Association of America to reform its rating system.  Drops of water, not great but manageable for a while.  Food after midnight.  Baaaad.  The main lesson gleaned from this film: never buy anything in Chinatown.

    5. The Lost Boys

    Oh, the horror that is teen angst.  I’m pretty sure “Santa Carla” is supposed to be Venice, CA.  Gang-ridden or not, how many coastal cities in California do you know of that would let an earthquake crumpled hotel just sit there instead of building something else on the property?  Just sayin’.  It’s a bunch of brat packers running around looking cute and causing trouble long before Stephenie Meyer ever dreamed up her saccharine covered Twilight vamps.  My favorite character is Grandpa.  I may be a vegetarian but I can appreciate some good taxidermy.  He gets the last word: “One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach…all the damn vampires.”  Grandpa’s been around the block a few times.

    4. From Dusk Till Dawn

    "Hey…. wanna make out?"

    Personally, I love Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez (when he’s not making stupid kiddie films).  They are rather good at satisfying my desire for action, gore, and lewd comedy.  I think that sometimes people forget that George Clooney was even in this movie…what with the Cary Grant Junior image that has been built up around him…something I’m sure he finds hysterical.  Hot Mexican vampire strippers.

    I’m sorry, do I need to say anything else?  Didn’t think so.

    3. Drag me to Hell

    "WHY DID YOU SCREW UP MY CAFE LATTE!!! IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO MAKE!!!"

    I hear the theatrical version of this movie fell apart at the end.  Luckily I didn’t see it in the theatre and instead rented the Director’s Cut.  This is not a movie for those with weak stomachs but if you can handle your gore and an ungodly amount of disgusting fluids going into a pretty girl’s mouth, then this is the movie for you.  It stars Alison Lohman as a really sweet girl who really pisses off an old gypsy woman the first time she tries to be tough at her job.  I really hope I never piss off an old gypsy lady.  The demon, Lamia, tortures you for three days before doing exactly what the title entails.

    2. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

    And we have found cleavage even I am jealous of.

    This was one of my very favorite movies as a kid.  So much so that I actually dressed up as Elvira for Halloween one year.  Talk about goth done right.  It’s hard to believe that Cassandra Peterson was 37 years old when this movie came out!  The moment that will be with me until the day I die?  When Elvira chucks her stiletto high heel and it lodges in her Great Uncle Vincent’s forehead.  Brilliant.

    1. Evil Dead series

    My explanation for this need only go as far as the name “Bruce Campbell” but for those who haven’t seen it I will explain further.  Horror and comedy together (intentionally) is Sam Raimi’s genius.  Inspired by low-budget horror films at drive-ins and HP Lovecraft, he created an epic trilogy of awesomeness centered around Ash (Bruce Campbell) and a series of deadites created by Ex-Mortis.  Watch all three (Evil Dead, Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness) in a row and it will be the best Halloween you’ve ever had.  My favorite lines: “Honey, you got reeeeaaal ugly!” and “Good. Bad. I’m the guy with the gun.”

    Groovy.

  • Hello? Is there anybody out there?

    I’m inspired by last week’s news of the “Goldilock Planet” to write about extraterrestrial life and my absolute certainty that we are not alone in this universe.  If you haven’t read about it you can find it here: http://cosmiclog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2010/09/29/5202633-alien-planet-looks-just-right-for-life

    In another news story out this week, more than 120 ex-Air Force personnel claim to have seen UFO’s around their base in Montana. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/09/28/national/main6907702.shtml

    During these sightings their nuclear weapons would become deactivated.  A co-worker of mine who lived in the same area has testified to the existence of these mysterious lights and objects and claims to have seen them on multiple occasions.  Now, I don’t know if you know many people in the military.  My family happens to be full of them.  The ones I know are very by the book and honest to a fault.  They would never dream of saying something like this unless they believed it to be true.  Shit, they won’t even tell me most of what they did while in the service period.  The point being that these are most likely trustworthy fellows.  We’ll just ignore that whole Roswell debacle, shall we?

    My argument has been echoed by many over the years and is not nearly as original or revolutionary as I would like it to be, but here it is anyways:

    With a universe so vast, so filled with countless stars and planets, how is it possible that we would be all alone in it?

    What a terrible and lonely idea.

    There are many who believe that life on other planets is possible but is most likely microscopic.  If a planet can sustain water (even if frozen), it can sustain life, even if that life is smaller than the eye can see.

    There are others, like Stephen Hawking, who believe that other sentient beings are out there and will most likely destroy us when we come in contact with them.  Much as the settlers of the new world destroyed the indigenous peoples already living there.  As he so pointedly puts it, that “didn’t turn out very well” for them.  I think HG Wells and President Whitmore would agree.

    Professor Hawking soon learned his fears of aliens was unfounded once he met the women from Planet Amazonia…

    If we get lucky our first visitors will be like the Vulcans in Star Trek: First Contact.  Indifferently interested and willing to hook a brutha up with a tidbit of technology or two.  Some cosmic rims, if you will.  They will hold their superiority over us but that’s ok, we’ll form the United Federation of Planets and show them who’s boss.

    Who photobombed first contact with an alien race? Hot Nerd Girl photobombed first contact with an alien race.

    Of course, there’s always the option that we’ll destroy them.  Or at least persecute them a la The 9th District.  Or to a lesser degree, Alien Nation (hey, we let him become a cop, didn’t we?)

    So what are we humans to do when and if alien visitors arrive? Hide, welcome, or destroy?

    I’m in the “let’s hope they’re friendly and welcome them but kick their asses if they’re mean” camp.  But mostly, I’m in the “of course they’re out there” camp, whether we ever come in contact with them or not.  I just can’t bring myself to believe that we’re alone and if you do, that’s your egotistical and close-minded opinion and you have every right to believe it.

    Just don’t look at me when Mars Attacks! And you weren’t prepared bee-yatch.

  • What I need to survive the zombie apocalypse

    Even as a Zombie, I can still work an iPhone… Girls are smarter than boys, even when we're undead 🙂

    What do you give a girl who’s biggest fear is zombies?

    Why, two Samurai swords, of course!

    You may have read any number of zombie survival guides.  I know I have.  Because hey, the zombie apocalypse could TOTALLY happen.  I have nightmares about it.  I had one particular nightmare a while back: I was walking down the aisle of the church and everything seemed to be fine.  Just as I reached the altar, zombies started swarming into the church.  I was literally fighting zombies in a wedding dress with a candelabrum.  This got me thinking.  What do I really want/need in the event zombies start to take over our planet?  Here is the list I came up with:

    – Two Japanese swords (katana and tachi – although I would totally take a couple of tsurugi’s)

    – Some grenades (in case I get surrounded)

    – One really good pair of running shoes (uhm, self-explanatory)

    – Five ponytail holders (in case some get lost and because rubber bands are really damaging to your hair)

    – One water resistant watch (in case of rain, we all know zombies are impervious to water)

    – One really amazing sports bra (YOU try running around with 34DD’s)

    – Water purification tablets (alas, I doubt I’ll have easy access to my beloved Arrowhead)

    – One pair of Maui Jim sports sunglasses (preferably with one of those landyards that hold them to your head)

    – One baseball hat (can’t have sun in your eyes while you’re fighting the undead)

    – As many MRE’s as I can carry in a light hiker’s backpack (they last FOREVER, my emergency MRE’s are from WWII)

    Zombie family reunion

    Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t really believe in zombies that are dead people come back to life.  I believe in the virus zombies.  The kind where a virus gets out of control and infects everyone but the few unlucky immune who are left trying to save the planet and find a cure if they’re lucky.  It’s pretty bleak but entirely possible.  Just think of how many viruses and bacteria are being worked on, manipulated and created everyday in labs.  Think of all the diseases that are mutating in nature.  Think of the work being done in nano technology!  Any one of these factors could result in a zombie apocalypse.

    [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxs3tZkgIAk&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3]

    Why swords instead of guns?  Guns run out of bullets.  Swords don’t.  Japanese swords tend to be lighter then their European and Middle Eastern counterparts.  For a chick, that’s a good thing.  Swords cut off heads.  Zombies are hard to kill but it’s universally accepted that cutting off their heads will get the job done.  They can be strapped to your back for easy two-handed access in a pinch but are still out of the way while walking and running.  They can always be sharpened and won’t jam up when wet.  They are easy to clean.  They are bad ass.

    I’ve got everything but the swords and the grenades.

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